So some of you that have looked at my blog may have noticed that this blog was actually created in 2010. Four years ago. I think I have some explaining to do.
I actually wrote a partial blog post back then and never published it. I think I was just really scared to tell the world how I was really feeling back then. This will also explain why I named my blog "I can still laugh".... seriously this is some heavy shit. Put your seatbelt on.
Some people might be surprised that I took to blogging about my
recent circumstances. However, I thought to myself that this could only
make my situation easier. It's almost like I have a constant ear to tell
my story to as often as I need.
So let me move onto what I really need to say.
I've always used humor to deal with any situation that has arisen
in my life. I vivdly remember laughing like a hyena in Wal-Mart with my
sister the day after my father died. We had to go buy him underwear
because our mother had insisted and we had to buy the biggest pair of
underwear in the whole store. I think it's ok to post such a thing
because, if he were there, he would have laughed too.
On the 15th of January I delivered my son. He was stillborn. I
spent most of the evening before in the hospital being induced cracking
up the nurses and laughing with friends because that is the only way I
knew how to deal with the fact that my child would never go home with
me. I convinced the doctors to let me eat before my induction by
promptly calling the staff in the room with me a bunch of assholes. I
said "Listen. I'm having the worst day ever and you're not going to let
me eat for at least two days?" They let me eat. The best chicken nuggets
I ever had. I can't say that the rest of my time in the hospital was
that laugh worthy.
I delivered Clark at 1:46 am. Never in my life did I expect to
have to deliver a stillborn infant. It ripped me apart to have to watch
my husband hold our son and say goodbye to him. We were lucky enough to
be able to spend some time with Clark and get to see which of us he
favored. (He had Keith's nose and my toes :))
Since I came home I have spent an unimaginable time alone. After
my husband went back to work and the food deliveries stopped I found
myself with just me, my dogs and my own crazy mind. I'm not the type to
be able to deal with this situation so I've been making myself get up
everyday and leave the house. Those first few days were horrible. I
actually sat in my car in the parking lot of Target that first day and
never went in for fear of running into a) someone I knew or b) someone I
didn't know with a baby. Either would have been disastrous.
Today I was waiting in line to pay at a store here in town and
right in front of me was a red headed little boy that couldn't have been
more than 8 months old. He sat in the cart and smiled at me and I
thought my heart would burst. I keep being reminded that my child will
never be that age. He'll never
**let me be clear I have wonderful friends who took amazing care of me along with my husband who never let me cry alone.
As you can see I never finished it. I think it was just too much for me to even comprehend at that point. I was too close to the situation back then.
Well that's my story. Now we have our wonderful ginger kid who will be three this summer, and yes he has some serious health problems right now but he's on track to getting better. I know my life could be worse and it has been far worse before.
I hope I haven't ruined anyone's day by making you read that. I just wanted to shed a little light on who I am.